By Michael Mongno, Ph.D.

We all want—and need—to be in relationships with each other. They offer connection, nurturance and support. We need them to survive, as “no man is an island.” Relationships fill our deepest needs, one of the most important being that of belonging.

As children, when we are valued and cherished by our parents, we grow up with a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence. As adults, we feel like we can conquer the world. And we take that out into the world in the form of our values and interpreted reality. In fact, this is how we create the world as we know it, our own inner world projected outwards.

But how often do we stop and question what exactly are we projecting onto the world?

When things are going well, and we’re feeling fulfilled, we’re not aware of what we’re creating. It’s usually when life becomes challenging that we stop—or are stopped—long enough to realistically examine our role in our relationships, and the impact we’re having. And yes, we are always having an impact on others.

So the healing of any relationship must start from within ourselves—at the source of our projection, which means taking a closer look at the relationship we have with ourselves.

For those who grew up in less than loving or unhealthy environments, we often carry scars or traumas that may lie dormant for years. These wounds surface as our projections onto others are reflected back in return. It’s the only way we can see them. In essence, life hands us back to ourselves—for inspection, understanding, and, ultimately, transformation—if (and it’s a big if) we choose to use it that way. Doing so serves all of our relationships—starting with the one we have with ourselves.

We have all heard the expression about our three best friends: “me, myself and I.” But are we really that friendly with ourselves? How we feel about ourselves is of ultimate importance. We can ask: Am I being compassionate, caring, forgiving and loving toward myself? Or, as is more common: Am I being judgmental, critical, condescending, doubting, overly expectant or not so loving toward myself?

If it’s the latter, unfortunately, that’s what others will receive from us—whether we’re aware of it or not.

So, this is where any healing needs to begin: with a process of self-discovery.

Self-discovery starts with creating space to sit with ourselves in an open-ended process of inquiry. It involves looking at our behaviors, how we relate to others, and staying present with whatever emotions arise—especially the uncomfortable ones, as they have much to teach us. The more we get to deeply know ourselves, the more we’ll see how our words and actions impact others.

Ideally, our goal would be to express ourselves in a way that is direct and clear, yet kind and caring. If we’re not, we’re likely acting from a place of fear, anxiety, hurt or some ego state—none of which bring us closer to others or gets our deeper needs met.

We can learn to communicate from a more vulnerable or tenderhearted place—one that invites connection rather than conflict. When we speak from the heart, others are more likely to respond in kind.

When we learn to treat ourselves with more compassion, care and love, we will naturally begin interacting with others in the same way. This mutuality—derived from our own healing—creates the foundation for transforming even the most difficult relationships.

In learning to trust ourselves, we’ll also learn to trust others. Vulnerability, once something to hide, becomes a path toward deeper, more authentic relationships. And through that, we experience deep connection—with ourselves as well as with others. 

Michael Mongno, MFT, Ph.D., LP, is the founder of Present Centered Therapies located at 100 W. 67th St., Ste. #2NE on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. For more information, call 212 799 0001 or visit PresentCenteredTherapies.com.